Question: “My boyfriend and I have been together for four and a half years. Like any other relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs, but something that has always bothered me is the pictures he likes and girls he follows on social media. I’ve talked to him about it before and said it makes me feel disrespected and I don’t see why it’s necessary for him to follow girls like that and entertain their pictures. To clarify, I’m not talking about girls who are his friends and post bikini pictures (though it took me a while to get over that), but I’m talking about “Instagram models.”
Whenever I’ve mentioned it to him, he gets upset that I was looking at his social media and checking on him, which I agree is invasive and self-destructive on my part. But his activity truly makes me insecure. I hate that word, and it’s so often used to discredit a woman’s emotions, but if I look nothing like the pictures that he’s liking, I can’t help but feel some type of way about it.
What should I do? I honestly feel like if I asked any other girlfriend they would completely agree but I guess I just need more opinions. Help!”
Should I walk away? My boyfriend moved in after just a few months and then totally changed.
Answer: This is a question I get pretty often on my podcast. Social media has really changed how we operate in our relationships, and every couple has different boundaries they set and preferred etiquette.
One of my friends went through this exact problem with her partner. Her boyfriend was liking scantily clad girls on Instagram and she found it to be disrespectful to her and the integrity of their relationship. She expressed this to him, he took her feelings into consideration and stopped liking these types of pictures.
My partner is getting very close with his flirty coworker. Can I demand he quit his job?
Now, you’ve expressed your feelings to your partner, however, despite your upfront communication he doesn’t see the issue. The next step either needs to be further communication about this issue or you finding a way to move past it if he will not change his behavior and you wish to remain in the relationship.
Social media can be highly addictive and sometimes we don’t even realize how enveloped we get in it. These likes may mean nothing to your boyfriend, and it could just be a habit of his while scrolling. Typically, liking our friends pictures shows we support them, enjoyed the image or we’re just passing the time. I’d ask your partner what he’s getting out of this. Why does supporting these other girls feel good to him? Some may say it doesn’t matter as these other girls are unattainable or he’ll never meet them, but why does he care to continue to like these images if he already knows that by liking these posts, it hurts you? Would he be OK with it if you were liking similar pictures of other guys?
Oh, and if you happened upon these likes while scrolling, I wouldn’t consider it invasive as that’s something that anyone that follows him and these individuals can see.
If you have further conversations about this issue and things don’t change, your next step would be to work toward feeling more secure in your relationship. Try to address your confidence and work on building trust between the two of you. You don’t have to be an Instagram model to be beautiful, desirable or appreciated. Also, there are some studies that correlate the increased time spent on social media with anxiety and depression, so consider taking a step back from the apps. It could help improve your confidence and mental health.
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Still, I warn you that this personal work may not be enough if your partner continues to leave you feeling disrespected. You may get to a point where you have to decide if this level of respect is OK with you if he refuses to stop liking these images. As silly as this may seem for some, social media can have lasting effects on us. We should all feel loved, safe and respected in our relationships, and because of its large presence in our lives, social media has become an area to consider. I hope I’ve provided some ideas on how you can progress forward, but at the end of the day you have to go the route that works for you and takes into account your comfort level and feelings.
All my best,
Morgan
My friends are notoriously late so I lied to them about our plans. Now, we’re not speaking.
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Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, “Two Hot Takes” where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY’s readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at [email protected] or you can click here to share your story with her.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Instagram models, bikini pics get my boyfriend’s likes. I need advice.
